"I would rather live happy than die miserable"

Those were his exact words...

He felt it was lung cancer, he knew that he had to quit smoking. He simply wouldn't.
He didn't care; he was amazed he actually made it so far in life after all the crazy things he did in the past.
He actually wasn't worry much about that. Pain was his biggest complaint, his worst fear.
Sometimes, we need to stop and reconsider. Similar patient, admitted to the floor, who wants to go through chemo and radiotherapy. Through endless days of nausea, confusion and fevers. Holding on to the last breath of life, even if it is through a vent.

Refusing to be treated is not giving up. Just like not believing in god, it is always a harder decision than simply going with the flow.

I have to admit, this week was great for me. I cherished every moment I spent with those 2 people and their families. Great is not the right word, fulfillment, sense of accomplishing something, making a difference. At least, I hope so.

PAM

New breeze of fresh air in France?.

Genial

I love you too

She was racing with time, the few minutes that we had left were about to be over, few minutes over the phone where she was trying to know how I am doing, where I am going and whether I am taking care of myself.
She wanted to leave me with that message right before hanging up. Genuine "ana b7ebak", honest, true, straight from the heart.
She once told me that I can never be angry at her because she would give up her life just for me. And I saw her making sacrifices every day, giving up everything about herself just for me.

And she makes me jealous, for all the love that she has inside.


bottomless abyss, a vacuum of love.

A., you will never read this, but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
And despite all the fruitless efforts that I make in trying to look strong, I shiver like a baby when you are angry or in pain.
I literally dread the day you will no longer be with us. I feel guilty for even thinking of this, but I cant help it. It is always on my mind, because then, my life would never be the same.
Thank you for being who you are, what you are. Thank you for being there, every step of the way. and you will.

april 13, revisited

I couldn't help but feel so saddened white reading this article in L'orient.
For so many of us, the war lives in our head, our memories. But we are not to forget all those who disappeared. Those whose families are still looking for them. Those whose mothers pray to the day they see them again.
...They live the war, every minute, every day. And every april 13 gives them a hope that something serious will be undertaken to find, not those who are dead or who disappeared, but those who really led to this quasi-peace we live in.

April 13

31 years ago...
200000 dead at least.
people vanished, mutilated forever, eternal reminder of the atrocities of war. And not any war, a civil war.
Beyrouth destroyed again and again.
...blood, bombs, destruction, agony, despair, death...

It seems that despite all of that, we still have much more to learn.

We have not agreed on a single definition for Lebanon, and that is at the origin or the problem.

And let's be honest. What I was raised on, since I was born, all the hatred that I have inside for those who favored other causes to Lebanon, I may not be ready to forget, yet. I don't know how much that will take, or what it would take. I don't know how to distance myself from what my parents taught me, from my small narrow minded community. I want to be free from everything that is keeping my behind. I want to break all the chains that prevent from moving forward.

I feel worse than an animal. I have a mind, I can think. I follow my instincts instead.

No matter how we feel about that, dissecting the problem to the smallest detail, sectarianism seems to be the biggest downfall to human civilization. And we are a living proof of that.

1

as the night falls, as every living spirit comes to rest. we become alive, again.
Me, laying quietly in her arms. Back to childhood. further away, back to the womb. Ultimate peace. ultimate silence. Let's rest, for a change.
Me, weak and vulnerable like a baby. She will protect Me.
I watch her sleep. Her eyes closed, her heart open to mine. I can read her mind. I can hear her breath. I want to be closer. I want us to be one.

I came to realize after 27 years of existence that my biggest fear in life is loneliness.

To begin with we are raised, nurtured by our family, surrounded by our friends. Only to wake up one day, having to face the world alone. In a way, we are primed to be social animals from the minute we open our eyes, from the moment we seek attention. and boom, booby trap.

Worse, what keeps me going on, my fuel, my gas, my O2, is this special bond that I have built with my friends. So many things I do, I see them through their eyes...
We lose friends along the way, only to make new ones.
It is not dependence, no.
It is not aiming to please, no.


It is what makes me one with them. Like one big continuum.

Solitude is the biggest disease of our century, although we strive to be able to communicate better.

Life, alone, has no meaning at all.